Armed with Pointy Sticks: J is for Joke

Feel free to add your own. I've been down, jokes are good. The first bunch is even clean!

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

A bear walks into a bar and places his order. "I'll take a gin and.... tonic"
So the bartender says, "What's with the pause?"
And the bear says, "I was born with them."

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?"

Not so clean after this. You were warned...

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

One day at work, Bob hears a voice in his head.

its says "Quit your job sell your house, cash in all your assets, go to vegas."

Bob is shocked. Nothing strange ever happens to bob, and this is strange.

An hour later the same voice in his head repeats itself.

"Quit your job sell your house, cash in all your assets, go to vegas."

Bob decides what the hell! Ill do it!

So he runs up to his boss with a big smile on his face and quits.
He then immediately contacts his neighbor whos always wanted his property, and sell his house for 100 grand.
He then hops on a plane to vegas.

Hes standing in the Las vegas airport thinking "Now what?"

No sooner than he had thought it, the voice answers back, "Go to Ceasar's palace."

Upon arriving at the casino, Bob gets a thrilling feeling that something bigs about to happen.

The voice says, "Go to the roullette table."

Bob finds the big no limit roullette table and begins to sweat excitedly.

The voice says, "Put all your money on black."

Bob complies, the pit boss nods, and the wheel goes round and round. Bob is finally going places.

The ball lands on red and the voice says,
"Fuck."

One of my very favorites in the whole world:

So bob has a bad day at work, and he needs a drink so he decides to go out for a drink.

He is tired of the same ol spots, so he decides to try this bar he's heard about that sits on the top floor of a skyscraper.

So there he is, sitting at the bar admiring the view of the city below, when DING! the elevator doors open up and this big handsome man walks in.

The handsome man walks up to the bar and orders a warm beer. The bartender brings him one, he chugs it, walk over to the balcony, and jumps over the edge.

Shocked, bob rushes over to the balcony in time to see the handsome man fall 10 stories. at about the 4th story from the ground, the man suddenly slightly lifts up, swoops around the building and lands on the pavement in an easy roll.

A few minutes later DING! the elevator doors open up and here comes the big handsome man. Bob runs over to him and says, "That was fucking amazing! how the hell did you do that?"

The big handsome man replies, "Its simple really, the carbonation from the warm beer gives you the extra lightness you need for the 4th story updraft to roll you around the building. happens every evening about this time. Winds just strong enough to give you the ride of your life."

Bob says with extreme excitement, "Man! thats exactly what I need! You think I can do it?"

The big handsome man replies, "Sure, just chug a warm beer and don't hesitate, the carbonation doesn't last too long."

So Bob goes up to the bar and orders a warm beer. The bartender look at the big handsome man, the big handsome man nods, and the bartender gives Bob a warm beer.

Bob chugs it, smiles, runs over to ledge and dives headfirst overboard.

SPLAT! Bob hits the pavement like a hefty sack full of tomato soup.

The bartender looks at the big handsome man and says,
"Superman, you can be a real dick when your drunk."

There, don't you feel better? Honestly, a joke told well is better than a joke read, but this is the best I can do right now :)